Thursday, October 15, 2015

Alone in Target: One Mom's Story

It's been a long, long time since I last blogged.  Do people still blog?  Is it still a thing?  Well, no matter.  I am back in the mood to write.  I write when I am profoundly impacted by things and last night I had one of those life altering experiences that must be chronicled. . .

I went to Target. . . .alone.

I feel like I should first admit that I don't love Target.  Don't hate me I just don't love it. I don't like mint and chocolate together either.  I can't be perfect I'm sorry.  I especially dislike Target with children.  What's to like about wandering through the store trying to remember what I was getting while four miscreants throw random stuff in the cart and the smell of Starbucks floats through the air but there is no way I could handle the cart, the coffee, and the kids at the same time?  I always leave feeling stressed and poor and without the things I went to Target for in the first place.

Well, last night I was alone for like the first time in 11 years so I decided to give the wonder of Target another try.  I bought an overpriced beverage and started to meander.  It was nice.  I picked up clothes I thought, "This would look nice on me!"  "This is exactly what I was looking for"  Then I looked in my wallet and realized I had spent all my money on overpriced (but delicious) drinks.  No matter.  I kept walking and hoping for the Target euphoria to hit.  It didn't.  The only thing that hit was my need to go to the bathroom from sucking down that latte.  But seriously the bathrooms were on the other side so I just kept wandering as I held it.

Finally I was done.  I had looked at everything and bought nothing.  My bladder was screaming. I headed for the bathroom.  Upon entering the stall I dropped my bag and spilled my change on the floor.  I would have picked it right up but there was a person in the stall next to me and money off the floor is gross so I did the only rational thing available to me.  I decided to wait her out.  I wanted that dime but I was not picking it up.  It got awkwardly long.  Me and the shoes in the stall next to me in some kind of weird stall off.  Maybe she was waiting for me to leave so she could steal my dime.  I'm not sure but I was not losing this game!  That's 10 cents folks.  I can buy exactly nothing with it! Finally she gave up and proceeded to wash her hands for about a zillion minutes.  At last I was alone again.  I picked up my money, washed it and my hands and made a beeline for the exit hoping not to run into bathroom lady.

As I hastily exited the bathroom I decided it was time for me to head out.  I took a quick turn out the "In" door.  Of course I realized it was the "In" door and not the "Out" door because I came in it.  I'm normally a rule follower but I was alone and feeling crazy and rebellious and of course the doors open from both ways for safety right?  WRONG!!!!  You know when a bug gets in your car and your roll down your window to let it out and it flies into all the other windows first before it gets out.  I was that bug.  I tried the sliding doors.  Nothing.  I tried the push doors on the side.  Locked.  I spun around in a circle and got a little panicky.  Finally I went back in the "In" door, around the carts, and out the "Out" doors with my head hung in shame.  All while being watched by a very amused Target employee on break.

Clearly, Target is not my happy place.  Next time I will put on my pajama pants and head for Walmart.

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